High Crimes and Miss-demeanors

You no longer have to crack open your hard copy of the Daily Universe to read about the felonious/hilarious goings-on at BYU every week.

It's here online for your enjoyment.

It's That Time Again...

Playoffs time.

Ahem.

HOW 'BOUT THEM JAZZ!

No matter where I live I will always have my NBA allegiance to my home turf heroes.

Veteran coach Sloan has proved yet again that he can form a consistently good team from a diverse talent pool.

I look forward to the great plays and victories yet to come.

Iraqi Strangewar, Or How I Stopped Worrying And Came To Love The Bombs

Five years have now passed since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

It has caused me to reflect on how I as an American citizen unwittingly entered this conflict.

* * *

When President Bush gave his "Axis of Evil" speech my freshman year of college, I told my mom, "Just watch. There's going to be a war, and I'm going to miss the whole thing."

My political sixth sense tingled from the beating of war drums. But major combat operations were still months away.

Fast forward to March 2003. Elder Stoddard walked the muddy streets of Durán, Ecuador (his second area) with his worst companion of the whole mission. We heard rumors of an ultimatum to Saddam Hussein and U.S. troop buildups in the Persian Gulf, but our missionary efforts overshadowed any further intrigue.

Then the bombs began to fall.

Being so isolated from the world-at-large and the tumult of the news media, I really didn't have any facts at hand to use to fully analyze the situation. Most of the time the only thing that ran through my mind was a catchy hip-hop number by Outkast that had come out years earlier--"Bombs Over Baghdad."

Missionary work slowed to snail's pace--the entire country was glued to their ramshackle televisions as American munitions destroyed Hussein's palaces and Iraqi military infrastructure.

As the only American guy in the room, fingers were leveled at me daily. "This is YOUR country! Why are YOU doing this?"

I had to repeatedly state that I personally had nothing to do with the bombardment of Baghdad and that the President had detailed information upon which he based his decision.

For days we faced the same situation of glassy Latin eyes gazing upon Mesopotamia on fire and brushing off any serious discussion of the restored gospel.

Soon we couldn't go to the American-style malls on p-day.

Then drunks in the street tried to grab us and slobber the phrase, "Why are American soldiers killing Iraqi children?"

Occasional spouts of ignorant anti-Americanism accompanied the rest of the tenure of my mission.

When I returned home, I discovered an insurgency ripe in stealth and lethality that hadn't been communicated to me before.

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't been living the picket-fence-read-the-paper-in-front-of-the-fireplace American lifestyle during the war. I was in a completely alien country doing an apolitical work.

I still don't know what to think about the war. I was so far removed.

Perhaps my feelings are only a magnification of the schism of thought and emotion so many Americans possess over the Iraq War.

* * *

Mein List

ALTERNATE TITLES OF MEIN KAMPF, HAD HITLER BEEN TRYING TO APPEAL TO A 21ST CENTURY AMERICAN WITH A LIMITED COMMAND OF GERMAN

Mein Volkswagen
Mein Colonel Klink
Mein Brautwurst
Mein Farfegnügen
Mein Achtung Baby
Mein Strudel
Mein Plans to Start the Second World War, Place All of Europe Under the Grip of Fascism, and Commit Mass Genocide

A Literary List

LITERARY CLASSICS, HAD SHERWIN WILLIAMS NAMED THEM

Anne of Lime Granita Gables

Hematite Beauty
The Eros Pink Badge of Courage
The Masque of the Cherries Jubilee Death
Dollop of Cream Fang
The Adventures of Grandeur Plum Finn
The Cherry Tomato Letter
The Color Potentially Purple
Where the Artful Auburn Fern Grows

Ode to Elder Marko

My younger brother Mark has just over six months completed as he serves in the Chile Antofagasta Mission. It's been a blast to receive his emails and partake of his unique brand of humor. Every week I am reminded of a tidbit or anecdote from my own mission by his experiences. In the years since I returned from my own mission, my kid brother became one of my best friends. I would like to therefore present a kaleidoscope of photos and quotes from Mark as a tribute to his hard work and always cheery temperament.

Well, vocab word for the week is pulgas, which means fleas, another vocab word is picadas, which means bites. And the final Vocab word for the week is sesenta siete, which means 67 (I counted in the shower).

A bum tried to hit me with a window washing squeegee... that was interesting. I didn´t understand the word he said before mormones though.

PS while we´re on the subject of hobos. I´ve been keeping a small notebook that I write chistozo poems in usually a couplet at a time. I wrote one called ´hobo coughin´and also one called ´peter´ because that´s what i named the hobo who lives in my front yard. Because he moves rocks from one side of his little spot on the beach to the other side all day every day (Except for when he crosses the street to sift through our garbage looking for food) And anyone who knows the scriptures knows that peter was named after greek i believe for petros or petra or petro.

And I keep a song in my heart. If there´s one thing that keeps you in good spirits. It´s hymns and other stuff. I´d be lying if I said ALL the songs I sang were hymns. But Dave told me that Queen was pretty spiritual so i guess Bohemian Rhapsody is OK. Speaking of Queen, We took a collectivo (Taxi) to a district meeting and heard 3 songs from Night at the Opera... Made my day...

There´s alot of Japanese slash chinese import fakes here. The current fad is toys from the movie cars. One of them had an ad on the hood for ´Leak Less, Adult drip pans´ as well as this wonderful Engrish phrase on it ´This is the lovely automobile word, Welcome you with our automobile general mobilization, spend the fine childhood, Good toys!´

The thought came to mind that I must be bringing in fleas from the street because they were on my legs. So, for this, I started to microwave my pants for a minute and a half before each use and I haven´t had a problem since... Brilliant!!!

The joys of teaching a comp English. Having to explain to him the different pronunciation when he tells you he needs to buy two bottles of jews.

A less active member showed me pictures of his foot he took DURING a surgery to get one of his toes cut off. He got an infection because he´s a diabetic... Pretty Wicked.

We went to a member´s house for pizza (Because I´m an American and we all love pizza) But it was creamed corn asparagus pizza!!! Qué provecho!!! I ate some slices but declined more...

I´m going to buy A bunch of Matches (They´re dirt cheap down here) and built my own little house of parliament and then take it outside on the fifth of November and light it on fire. Why? So I can say I was the Only one in Chile to Celebrate Guy Fawkes day of course.

And then they gave us a bag of Government Powdered milk and I felt like I was in 1984....

Also yesterday we were walking from our papito´s restaurant and there was a protest and I saw some disgruntled workers get blown away by a Water Tank and a bunch of Carabineros in Riot Gear and an armored Riot Bus. I started writing a poem entitled [Order and Homeland], the motto of the Carabineros. Pretty sweet if you ask me, the Tank chased them around a plaza and they were trying to disrupt traffic and whatnot.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I saw a Zombie. I´m not even Joking, it was by far the craziest thing I´ve ever seen in my life. My comp and I were walking down Vivar street in el Centro of Iquique, We turned a corner and there he was. A guy without a shirt on walking down the street very calmly with a baseball sized whole in the side of his belly. It was more than a stab wound, it was a serious hole--you could see what was inside and bleeding and everything! Calm as a [cucumber], very strange I suspect he was so drunk he couldn´t feel it, I didn´t take time to contact him though and find out....

Yesterday [my companion and I] had a civil discussion and he said I was like clint Eastwood ¨The Good Guy¨ coming in with guns a blazing and he doesn´t like that. I thought that was silly. But we´ve been able to come to agreement. That´s Ok, he has a strange obsession with Mickey Mouse...

Last night I saw a dog get run over by a BMW, I´ll spare you all from any details of what I saw, but the sound was pretty nuts. The Dogs chase everything that moves quick. Especially Telepizza. It´s a business down here that delivers pizza´s on bikes and it´s hilarious because the Dog´s can smell the pizza so there´ll be a guy on the bike and 10 dogs chasing him. pretty cool.

I don´t know if you remember Brenda from my Junior High Days, but we started teaching a woman named Brenda (Whose door I knocked because i heard Hey Joe by Jimi coming from her House and I had to knock it. And i thought of... Crazy.

¿You feeling lucky? ¿Well, Do ya?
Elder Eastwood in ¨For a fistful of [Pamphlets]¨ (Cue Ennio Marconnie theme) PS. I was bored and had an Idea for a movie, i wrote an outline for a screenplay.

The earthquake was pretty crazy though, My comp had just arrived and we dropped his suitcases off at the pension and we were walking to lunch when it happened. We heard a shaking, we looked around and then a woman on the 5th floor of her apartment building yelled ¨Terremoto!!! ¡¡Terremoto!!!¨ So we moved Hawai from all the high buildings. While we were walking it felt like Jell o but it was concrete and all the cars were wobbling back and forth. It knocked the power out for almost the rest of the day down here. So all the stores were closed and all the people in the streets. After lunch when we got back to the pension some concrete above our doorway had fallen down and we had a nice little pile of Concrete. My comp wanted to go in right away, I told him we should wait, and then 10 seconds later where we Would have been if we were unlocking the door and chunk of concrete the size of my head fell down.

We had a fun time burning a huge cockroach in our apartment with matches and bug repellent. We then named him Buzz and mounted the Charred little Critter on our Wall as a warning to All the other Cockroaches.

The quake was strong enough to break open some of the tombs and they had dead body germs going around in the air in Tocapilla so everyone had to get vaccinated against whatever disease it is that dead body germs give to you.

we just started a kid who was born with a tail (The thing where your spine forms wierd and outside of your body. He´s an awesome kid though.

Well my comp just received the Christmas card of the girl that Dear John´d him... complete with pictures of her kissing her Hubby... Ouch...

The new Mamita is a character. We had spaghetti two days ago... But instead of tomato sauce it was just ketchup... and my comp just had to add mayo too.

the first Counselor in the obispado is a Heavy Metallero. First Counselor in an Iron Maiden T-shirt---hilarious.

The Enya Came out this week, it´s not against the rules... but if I hear Orinoco flow one more time... Heads are gonna roll.

We had another woman named Esther who's 60 and ready to be baptized but she went to a baptism and Elder Cañellas almost bonked the guy's head in the font and she said, ["later on..."] That was disappointing.

This weeks story was when I was knocking a street full of really hard hearted evangelicals. We were leaving when I heard some SKA music coming from the House. Of course I had to stop and knock it. And we´ve got a promising new Investigator named Alberto. Of course he´s a happy guy. Awesome.

They call all the Emo kids (17 year old Seth Dunshee) here Pokemones. It´s pretty funny, the other day during a lesson the investigator asked me what I thought about Pokemones, it´s not just a slang term either, Everyone uses it. We even have a few pokemones who come to church in our ward.

A large woman (neighbor of the people we were teaching) walked into a house with her large child. Her large (Translation: fat) child had butter on her forehead. I didn´t ask, I only laughed...

Last Sunday we had an invasion of another ward and a member gave us a ride home in his meat truck. Without Oxygen... The last thing he told us was that there should be enough oxygen for the trip we were making. It was wierd... but I´m still alive, I smelled like pork for a day.

Miss ya, bro!

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing --Darth Vader

For those who are searching for a new mode of worship or simply a good excuse to call George Lucas deity, you have a new religious home.

And to think that I could have been married by a guy in a Boba Fett costume...

So Long, And Thanks For The Votes

Mitt Romney officially called it quits today because of the reality of McCain's foothold on the Republican nomination.

I salute you, Mitt. As an archetypal pioneer you've shown that a Mormon can break into the upper echelons of presidential candidates--and you've done it with class.

Some say you were too negative in your campaigning. Others say you'll do anything in the name of political expediency. I say you were playing the old fashioned game of American presidential politics. Many voices pretend such is an antiquated and vitriolic institution. I truly believe you when you claim your tactics were an effort to highlight your credentials as a true conservative and über-competent executive.

Regardless of what happens in November, you will be missed. Your superior managerial skills were just what the Oval Office needed.

In the meantime, we'll watch and we'll wait for 2012.

Big Mac Nation

Yo, America! Do you want this dusty old curmudgeon to be the Republican nominee for President?

McCain's flaws and nuances have already been widely documented. Like most "base conservatives," I disdain the man's legislative record while reverencing his military service. For me, John McCain is like your elementary school friend who broke your toys and talked behind your back and then got mad when you didn't want to play with him.

Sorry, Johnny. I just can't vote for you. So don't even bother calling to see if you can come over to play.

A New Lifeform

I would like to congratulate Zander and Mallory on their upcoming mortal arrival. Here is my composite approximation of what their child will look like:This kid's truly going where no man has gone before...la familia Zander!

A Few Things I Miss From My Childhood

-My Urkel jigsaw puzzle
-Spending hours in the vacant lots behind my house catching bugs and studying red ant colony behavior
-Shooting bows and arrows and BB guns
-Building tree forts
-Using the PowerPad for NES
-Playing Monopoly for hours on Sunday in the basement with my siblings
-After-school snacks
-Trick-or-treating
-Bobby's World, Doctor Quinn: Medicine Woman, Early Edition, Martial Law, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, Full House, and Step By Step on TV
-Collecting coins and meticulously cataloging them in my album
-Family road trips
-Saturday visits to Ogden featuring burgers on the grill and black cherry Shasta at Grammie's
-Boating in the summer
-Sledding during recess on any ramshackle piece of plastic at Boulton Elementary
-Herbie Rides Again, Herbie Goes Bananas, but not The Love Bug

Listmaker, Listmaker, Make Me A List

EVERY MUSICAL GROUP I FOUND IN MY FATHER'S VINYL RECORD COLLECTION, LEADING ME TO BELIEVE HE MISSED THE MAJOR MUSICAL TRENDS OF THE 1970's

Seals and Crofts
The Oakridge Boys
The Osmonds

Disco Stu Says...

It doesn't get any more 70's funky blackilicious than Boney M.

Case in point:

If Tupac Were Dead, He'd Be Rolling In His Grave

I got transferred this past week to the Enterprise office at the local airport--MBS International.

The music played overhead is, quite simply, sub-elevator.

A light instrumental version of Tupac's "Changes" came on a while ago.

The title of this post immediately came to mind.

A Tale of Two States

Utah and Michigan: a tale of two states. I believe this map sums up the economic realities I've witnessed firsthand. (Courtesy Time magazine)

Rhyme and Reason in 2008

I couldn't agree more with Peggy Noonan's assessment of the 2008 presidential candidates.

If anything, let's please just elect a reasonable person this coming year.

Clinton? NOT REASONABLE. As Noonan states:

Hillary Clinton? No, not reasonable. I concede her sturdy mind, deep sophistication, and seriousness of intent. I see her as a triangulator like her husband, not a radical but a maneuverer in the direction of a vague, half-forgotten but always remembered, leftism.

My central problem is that the next American president will very likely face another big bad thing, a terrible day, or days, and in that time it will be crucial--crucial--that our nation be led by a man or woman who can be, at least for the moment and at least in general, trusted. Mrs. Clinton is the most dramatically polarizing, the most instinctively distrusted, political figure of my lifetime. Yes, I include Nixon. Would she be able to speak the nation through the trauma? I do not think so. And if I am right, that simple fact would do as much damage to America as the terrible thing itself.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I wasn't alive during Watergate--but Noonan was. More distrusted than Nixon? Mull that over, folks.

Edwards? NOT REASONABLE. This career ambulance chaser who spews misplaced populism is a terrible expression of the contorted, contrived "reason" our society has imagined for itself.

Obama? REASONABLE--sort of. A young buck for sure and even pretty likable for all but the most racially bigoted among us, Barack Hussein Obama on the ticket would certainly show that

This is an opportunity to assert freshly what his victory means, and will mean, for America. This is a break with the past, a break with the tired old argument, a break with the idea of dynasty, the idea of the machine, the idea that there are forces in motion that cannot be resisted . . .

He would then have to prove to the American electorate his seizing upon such an opportunity.

McCain? REASONABLE. As a war hero and a veteran senator, he makes us proud (even if we do cringe at his Cretaceous Era looks and mannerisms).

Romney? REASONABLE. Just why does the whole flip-flop argument wear thin, Peggy?

...everyone in politics gets to change his mind once. That is, you can be pro-life and then pro-choice but you can't go back to pro-life again, because if you do you'll look like a flake. The positions Mr. Romney espouses now are the positions he will stick with. He has no choice.

He'll maintain his current positions. Anything else would be political suicide. Romney is a master executive manager--not a label oft attributed to anyone in the current administration. Because of those two words, executive management, I support Romney. I wish to to restore the presidency as the zenith office of compelling executive political leadership.

Huckabee? Sorry, NOT REASONABLE. Faux-conservatism and über-Christianity gave him a spike of support, but the new man from Hope has made one gaffe too many whilst becoming a transparent political character around the national dinner table.

Yes, Giuliani is reasonable. But a socially liberal candidate for the Republicans means a bloodbath at the polls for the GOP. Only another 9/11 could garner the votes he needs to become a presidential candidate (knock on wood).

2008 will very much reflect upon the presence or absence of reason in this country.

For The Niche Musical Video Game Fan You Couldn't Find A Gift For...

...I've found the perfect item.

A List, Inspired By The Primary Lesson I Gave Today

CITY WHERE THE APOSTLE PAUL PREACHED DURING HIS MISSIONARY JOURNEYS OR PLANET IN THE STAR WARS GALAXY?

1. Lystra

2. Ossus
3. Saleucami
4. Myra
5. Puteoli
6. Taris
7. Lannik
8. Rhinnal
9. Troas
10. Pergamum
11. Borleias
12. Myrkr
13. Cerea
14. Rhegium
15. Berea
16. Miletus
17. Metellos
18. Perga
19. Deralia

Paul: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15, 16, 18
Star Wars: 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13, 17, 19

[Mormon] Faith in America

Mitt Romney gave an excellent speech this past week as contemporary America's presidential fabric faces the possibility of being stretched to include a Mormon.

I believe Pat Buchanan noted well that you can vote against Romney solely because of his religion, but that just may say more about you than it does him.

It is a sad state of affairs when only the candidate who is an ordained Baptist minister is seen to be the harbinger of conservative Christian voters in Iowa.

Below I've included some of my favorite lines from this refreshing address.

"Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone."

"I do not define my candidacy by my religion. A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith."

"As a young man, Lincoln described what he called America's 'political religion' – the commitment to defend the rule of law and the Constitution. When I place my hand on the Bible and take the oath of office, that oath becomes my highest promise to God."

"I believe in my Mormon faith and I endeavor to live by it. My faith is the faith of my fathers – I will be true to them and to my beliefs."

"Some believe that such a confession of my faith will sink my candidacy. If they are right, so be it. But I think they underestimate the American people. Americans do not respect believers of convenience. Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world."

"Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance. Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree.

There are some who would have a presidential candidate describe and explain his church's distinctive doctrines. To do so would enable the very religious test the founders prohibited in the Constitution. No candidate should become the spokesman for his faith. For if he becomes President he will need the prayers of the people of all faiths.

I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the approachability of God in the prayers of the Evangelicals, the tenderness of spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment to frequent prayer of the Muslims. As I travel across the country and see our towns and cities, I am always moved by the many houses of worship with their steeples, all pointing to heaven, reminding us of the source of life's blessings."

"I will take care to separate the affairs of government from any religion, but I will not separate us from 'the God who gave us liberty.'"

"Recall the early days of the First Continental Congress in Philadelphia, during the fall of 1774. With Boston occupied by British troops, there were rumors of imminent hostilities and fears of an impending war. In this time of peril, someone suggested that they pray. But there were objections. 'They were too divided in religious sentiments', what with Episcopalians and Quakers, Anabaptists and Congregationalists, Presbyterians and Catholics.

Then Sam Adams rose, and said he would hear a prayer from anyone of piety and good character, as long as they were a patriot.

And so together they prayed, and together they fought, and together, by the grace of God ... they founded this great nation."

America, your precedence of faith and politics is on the line. Now is too vital a time in our nation's history to get bogged down in the semantics of sects and doctrines. The failure of religious inclusion in this presidential election might show that, as Romney also says, "Americans [are] unable to accommodate their commitment to their own faith with an appreciation for the convictions of others to different faiths."

As a kid who grew up as a Mormon with political aspirations, I thought that the American experiment would always hold true for me.

I want to know that this childhood ideal is real.

Fall 2007 TV Critique

Being unemployed until recently, I've taken a keen interest in television's offerings this fall. I therefore present my glib reviews for this season's new shows and my verdicts on their ultimate fates.

Chuck. I got so tired of this show after just one episode I could have sworn somebody slipped me benadryl. From its hokey plot to its campy 70's-style TV action scenes to its minor side characters whose dialogues sound like stand-up acts to its cliché hot chick spies, just about everything on this show has been done before. Verdict: Save face and pull the plug after one season before I go into a coma!

Aliens in America. Ah, the fish-out-of-water comedy America needed post-9/11...or was it? While the genuineness of Raja coupled with the coming-of-age dorkiness of Justin has given us some fine episodes, the compelling introspection previously found on shows like The Wonder Years isn't present here. Verdict: Let's let this show last only as long as an exchange student's year in America.

America's Psychic Challenge. Do you believe in psychic abilities? After watching this show you might. By far Lifetime's best show in, well, ever, the show features psychics battling it out in challenges that are controlled and scored. Addictive? Yes. Often amazing? Yes. Verdict: Read my mind and bring it back next season!

Cavemen. Sure, our metrosexual hominid friends made funny commercials. Were they able to make a funny sitcom? No. Why? The show failed to capitalize on two factors that made the commercials so great: the soft bigotry of the homo sapiens towards the Cavemen and the occasional lapses in judgment by the Cavemen that showed them to be subhuman. Thus, we get a unfunny show about long-haired twentysomethings frittering away their lives and whining about it (Joel, there's a reason why you were never in the commercials!). Verdict: Send it back to the cave and cancel it!

Journeyman. Shows about time travel/unique foreknowledge of future events have been done before on television--and better I might add. Journeyman has none of the swashbuckling spirit of Quantum Leap and absolutely zilch of the unwitting heroism that characterized Early Edition. Furthermore, an hour show about stopping a single kidnapping is too long. These characters are constantly bitter and confused. Hence, we don't care about them. Verdict: Go back in time and stop it before it happened!

Last One Standing. By far the winner of this season, the show has proven that the reality genre can be captivating. Invigorating and intense, the show is drenched in the spirit of competition. With diverse cultures and vistas from all over the globe providing the backdrops for this show, it's far more entertaining than any Hollywood hack's script. Verdict: Start filming a new season as long as the tribal competitions don't get too banal!


The Office, Season 4. It may not be new, but overall the series is still going strong despite some problems. Yes, the tension between Jim and Pam is gone. Yes, Kelly is now from the ghetto. Yes, Dwight's depression has robbed us of his quirky mayhem. However, the same interpolation of characters we've come to know and love is still omnipresent. The recent episode "The Deposition" was key evidence of that. Verdict: End the writer's strike so this season doesn't burn out right after it started!