I was talking to my brother Mark today and he informed me of the latest internet humor craze--Chuck Norris jokes. I looked them up for myself and picked out the best ones derived from everyone's Texas Ranger that's never "missing in action" for too long... A word of warning: if Chuck catches you reading this, it's an automatic roundhouse kick through your trailer wall. A * denotes my favorites.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Since Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
*Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
*When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
*It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane.”
Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris only has two speeds: walk and kill.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that if there were to be a nuclear war, all that would remain would be cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on satellite TV.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water
and make it drink.
People don't die of "natural causes." It's just something doctors use because there's only so many times you can say "Chuck Norris did it, again" in one day.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said, "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because only Chuck Norris recognizes the element of surprise.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat him and take it.
*Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
*Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black," then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "Who's your daddy?" because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris." But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
This SNL digital short never ceases to amuse me. I have most of it memorized. If SNL could write stuff like this every week, I'd zealously watch it again.
