What Happens When You Become A Dad #682

Your church clothes get weird stains on them...but you can't recall when they happened.

Blatant Zander Shoutout

Women often wonder about how men bond...

The answer is easy:
The virtues of witchin' a ditch.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan

Philemon is pronounced FILL-uh-mon, not fi-LEE-mon, right?

We sang the Books of the New Testament song in primary (I was substituting for my old class) and I felt that the children were being led astray on the matter...

Fame

I helped out a man at work today who was obviously wealthy--he had just smashed up his 2009 Cadillac Escalade.

I could tell he was someone of significant stature by the reverential treatment the personnel at the body shop gave him.

He was badly shaken up by the accident and uttered a few lines about "the blessing and the curse of his famous name."

I had no idea to what he was referring to.

Only when he left did my coworker inform me he was one of the sons of Mike Ilitch--owner of the Detroit Red Wings/Detroit Tigers and founder of Little Caesar's Pizza.

I guess I still haven't lived here long enough to know the local celebrities.

Maybe I need to watch SportsCenter more...

Nah.

Speaking of local celebrities...I learned randomly from the aforementioned link that this esteemed humanitarian was given Detroit's key to the city.

Wow.

Vocab Word of the Day

Apotheosis

Look it up.

Then write a six page essay about why it's applicable to the current debate over Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Story of Nothing

Barack Obama became the junior senator from Illinois...for doing...nothing (except having extraordinary ties in the corrupt Chicago political machine).

Barack Obama won the presidency of the United States...for doing...nothing (except not being Bush).

Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize...for doing...nothing (except not being Bush).

I initially laughed, and then I cringed.

First Arafat, then Gore, now Obama?

Let's face it: these days, the award means nothing.

...so in that sense I guess he did earn it.

Whodiddit

Who built the great pyramids at Giza? Aliens.

Who is responsible for the mysterious disappearances over the Bermuda Triangle? Aliens.

Who gave the Nazis advanced rocket and jet propulsion technology? Aliens.

Who shot JFK? Aliens*.

Yes, extraterrestrials have played a role in virtually every major historical event on planet earth.

Don't you ever watch the History Channel?

*Also acceptable: Nazis

Armchair Prophet

Elder Gibbons recounted a story from church history I had never heard before in this month's Ensign.

In May 1978, before this revelation [on the priesthood] was announced to the Church, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles met in the Salt Lake Temple. At the conclusion of the meeting, Elder LeGrand Richards (1886–1983) asked if he might say a few words. He told the Brethren that during the meeting he had seen a personage sitting in an armchair above the organ. He said the personage was President Wilford Woodruff (1807–1898) and suggested that perhaps he had seen President Woodruff because he was the only one who would recognize him. Elder Richards, who was six years old when he saw President Woodruff dedicate the Salt Lake Temple, was the only one in the room who had seen him alive.

Isn’t it interesting that this former prophet, who himself had announced a significant revelation related to Church policy, appeared as a witness of the truth and importance of this new revelation about to be announced?

I can see President Woodruff now...gazing upon the brethren with his piercing eyes...approving of the next great leap forward in church policy since he had issued The Manifesto...firmly ensconced in his prophetic La-Z-Boy.

Thou Shalt Blog

Yup, now it's a commandment.

Sort of.

While this blog isn't exclusively devoted to church matters, I hope it holds true to the above ideals of contributing to the online discussion of the restored gospel.

Post-Apocalyptic Boredom

The show's premise had promise...but it soon became boring. The participants built a few cool ramshackle contraptions (i.e., the solar-powered cart) but it couldn't compensate for the phony "marauders" and a constant low-level drama that got tiring quick.

Sorry, Discovery Channel...this was a dud.

Swayze: In Memoriam

Whether a rough and tumble boarder, a pedophile/motivational speaker, a teenage guerrilla, or a male stripper...he did it all.

This Is NOT A New Debate

Finally...decent argumentation about the current health care debate...from 48 years ago!

I think The Gipper nails it...hear him out.

In This Historian's Opinion...

My thanks to Katie for giving me the idea to put it here.

Billy Mays In Memoriam: Husband, Father, Salesman Extroadinaire...Cokehead?

So that's what kept Billy Mays going...

My guess as to what he called the fine Colombian product in question?

KABOOM!

A Throwback to the Provo Days

The Day The Shouting Ended

My television is maintaining itself at the same decibel level...what gives?

Crap! Billy Mays is dead.

Here's to the man who inherited the TV infomercial king mantle from Ron Popeil and became an icon of kitschy American consumerism.

Uncanny Grammar

Why is it that we often say the word uncanny but never its antonym, canny?

"That's such a common practice of mine. How canny of me!"

Sounds ridiculous. But canny must be a real word...right? Is it possible for a word with a conventional prefix to not have an opposite even if you remove said prefix?

I'll let the linguists of the world sort this one out.

Jonathon Lame & Mr. Boring

 

 Has anyone else read this book? Highly recommended by critics and peers alike, I was excited to peruse its pages.

I thought it was going to be a fantastic contemporary melding of the traditions of Dickens, Austen, and Tolkien--full of deep characters and ornate swashbuckling. I had nothing but the highest of expectations.

Instead, I found a fanciful novel stuffed to the gills with footnotes that detail multiple alternative magical universes ad nauseum and characters who talk about everything but do nothing despite being in possesion of magical powers.

I've read half of it and thoroughly lost interest. I never leave a book unfinished!

Shame on you, overrated Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell. You are a chore--not a delight--to read.

The Empty Glove

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

Caption Contest

While I was researching my previous post, I stumbled upon the fact that O.J. was one of our competitor's major spokesmen in the 70's:

I shall begin the contest in the comments section.

The O.J. Simpson Trial Revisited

Despite a feeling I knew the case well, I recently dug deeper into the epic O.J. Simpson trial and learned a few things...

First of all, what do you know about the demographics of the jury? I was shocked when I learned that it consisted of:

1 Hispanic man
1 Black man
2 White women
and...
8! Black women

This final jury composition completely flew in the face of the prosecution's own jury consultant! Dingus prosecutor Marsha Clark, however, felt she had a long history of building a sympathetic rapport with black female jurors and decided to ignore the consultant's recommendations.

Prosecutors also completely ignored the jury consultant's recommendations by settling on the selection of five final jury members who reported negative past experiences with police and five jurors who said that physical force against family members was justified.

Bear in mind that the primary strategy of the prosecution was to paint Simpson as a violent domestic abuser while the defense's case was heavily rooted in accusations of a racist and corrupt police force.

This case was over before it even began.

Major pieces of evidence also were not presented to the jury. Despite its publicity, details of the white Bronco chase never made it to court, namely:

-Simpson's passport and a disguise kit complete with fake mustaches were found in the SUV--not tokens of an innocent man

-O.J. had a phone conversation on the L.A. freeway with police during which he threatened to commit suicide and was obviously not mentally composed

Prosecutors felt that this evidence could create empathy for Simpson, the poor picked-on runaway. The defense was all too obliging in barring the evidence from court. A fantastic miscalculation!

As for the bloody glove debacle, prosecutor Christopher Darden was advised from the beginning to not have Simpson try it on because blood/forensic testing/frozen cold storage had caused it to shrink. Darden initially was going to follow this counsel, but decided to go against this advice from his fellow prosecutors in a last-minute courtroom gamble and lost.

It's an embarrassing stain on the American psyche how clearly race shaped the public's perception of the trial. Most post-trial polls put the number of whites believing Simpson was guilty around 87% and the number of blacks believing the same around 27%. Underclass Blacks clearly wanted a hero to triumph against the "rigged and racist" American criminal justice system and found it in Orenthal James Simpson.

The prosecution made a colossal number of blunders while the defense played perfectly to their sympathies on the jury.

The final declaration of "not guilty" by the jury no longer shocks me since I've examined the trial's missteps. In fact, with all the facts before me, it's what I would have expected.

The O.J. Simpson trial jury

And Bukran Begat Steven

Behold, the Seed of Bukran!

Victory Is Mine!

While all three members of my college roommate canon (Steve "Swag" Hatch, Nate "Tote" Ross, and Sterling "Squirts" Sheffield) may have preceded me in marriage, soon I will have beaten all three in the race for posterity.

The last shall be first, and the first shall be last!

Star Trek XI: That Which Is Old Is New

Star Trek managed to live up to its hype and be an entertaining piece of summer cinematic fare! Trekkies and Sci-Fi nerds rejoice!

Its young, talented actors breathed new life into the personalities of the original Star Trek series while maintaining the cliches of these canonized characters.

Kirk was more a punching bag than a captain in this movie, however. He gets beat up badly on four separate occasions--once by Federation cadets, twice by the Romulans, and once by Spock. By the end you're expecting that chiseled jawline to look like hamburger.

My only complaint was that Star Trek's villain was lame. A Romulan industrialist driven by blind revenge to destroy the Federation through time and space? Really??? Nero, I knew Khan. You're no Khan. Villains should be characters--not merely vehicles for antagonism.

There's a fair amount of humor injected into this film. Much of it, ironically, revolves around Spock. The best one liner? McCoy to Spock: "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?"

In conclusion, with its transporter close calls, photon torpedoes a' plenty, green alien women cameos, and more exploding planets than all six Star Wars movies combined, this ox gives J.J. Abrams' Star Trek two hooves up.

Would You Like To Swing On A Star?

When I was a lad, I enjoyed the lighthearted fare on the television series Out of This World.

I recently perused its Wikipedia article.

Holy cow! Evie's dad was Burt Reynolds!

Who knew that the inhabitants of the planet Antareus were mustachioed Trans Am drivers?

Some things you just can't appreciate when you're a kid.

An Open Letter To My Son

Dear Son,

Sorry you're going to be working for the rest of your life to pay off the current government bailouts.

We didn't vote for him--we promise.

Love,

Your Parents

The BukranBlog Salutes Black History Month: A Tribute to Some of the Greatest African-Americans of All Time

Dear readers, your task is now to correctly name all 14 historical figures...who will be first?

P.S. By 'some of the greatest African-Americans of all time' I meant every black person I was aware of growing up in the all-white suburbs of Utah.

Ebony and Irony

Now, I'm no sociology grad student...but this doesn't seem like the best way to combat negative stereotypes about Muslims...

It's Official

I am my mother-in-law's favorite son-in-law.

She bestowed upon me the title while she and Mrs. Bukran were shopping the other day.

Apparently brother-in-law #1 is still trying to catch up from many initial years of not speaking to my mother-in-law even though he lived here as a newlywed.

Brother-in-law #2 had plenty to say to her when he lived here, but it was generally technobabble.

Both now live on the other end of the country.

So with my listening ear and geographic proximity, I win.

Victory!