Billy Mays In Memoriam: Husband, Father, Salesman Extroadinaire...Cokehead?

So that's what kept Billy Mays going...

My guess as to what he called the fine Colombian product in question?

KABOOM!

A Throwback to the Provo Days

The Day The Shouting Ended

My television is maintaining itself at the same decibel level...what gives?

Crap! Billy Mays is dead.

Here's to the man who inherited the TV infomercial king mantle from Ron Popeil and became an icon of kitschy American consumerism.

Uncanny Grammar

Why is it that we often say the word uncanny but never its antonym, canny?

"That's such a common practice of mine. How canny of me!"

Sounds ridiculous. But canny must be a real word...right? Is it possible for a word with a conventional prefix to not have an opposite even if you remove said prefix?

I'll let the linguists of the world sort this one out.

Jonathon Lame & Mr. Boring

 

 Has anyone else read this book? Highly recommended by critics and peers alike, I was excited to peruse its pages.

I thought it was going to be a fantastic contemporary melding of the traditions of Dickens, Austen, and Tolkien--full of deep characters and ornate swashbuckling. I had nothing but the highest of expectations.

Instead, I found a fanciful novel stuffed to the gills with footnotes that detail multiple alternative magical universes ad nauseum and characters who talk about everything but do nothing despite being in possesion of magical powers.

I've read half of it and thoroughly lost interest. I never leave a book unfinished!

Shame on you, overrated Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell. You are a chore--not a delight--to read.

The Empty Glove

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

Caption Contest

While I was researching my previous post, I stumbled upon the fact that O.J. was one of our competitor's major spokesmen in the 70's:

I shall begin the contest in the comments section.

The O.J. Simpson Trial Revisited

Despite a feeling I knew the case well, I recently dug deeper into the epic O.J. Simpson trial and learned a few things...

First of all, what do you know about the demographics of the jury? I was shocked when I learned that it consisted of:

1 Hispanic man
1 Black man
2 White women
and...
8! Black women

This final jury composition completely flew in the face of the prosecution's own jury consultant! Dingus prosecutor Marsha Clark, however, felt she had a long history of building a sympathetic rapport with black female jurors and decided to ignore the consultant's recommendations.

Prosecutors also completely ignored the jury consultant's recommendations by settling on the selection of five final jury members who reported negative past experiences with police and five jurors who said that physical force against family members was justified.

Bear in mind that the primary strategy of the prosecution was to paint Simpson as a violent domestic abuser while the defense's case was heavily rooted in accusations of a racist and corrupt police force.

This case was over before it even began.

Major pieces of evidence also were not presented to the jury. Despite its publicity, details of the white Bronco chase never made it to court, namely:

-Simpson's passport and a disguise kit complete with fake mustaches were found in the SUV--not tokens of an innocent man

-O.J. had a phone conversation on the L.A. freeway with police during which he threatened to commit suicide and was obviously not mentally composed

Prosecutors felt that this evidence could create empathy for Simpson, the poor picked-on runaway. The defense was all too obliging in barring the evidence from court. A fantastic miscalculation!

As for the bloody glove debacle, prosecutor Christopher Darden was advised from the beginning to not have Simpson try it on because blood/forensic testing/frozen cold storage had caused it to shrink. Darden initially was going to follow this counsel, but decided to go against this advice from his fellow prosecutors in a last-minute courtroom gamble and lost.

It's an embarrassing stain on the American psyche how clearly race shaped the public's perception of the trial. Most post-trial polls put the number of whites believing Simpson was guilty around 87% and the number of blacks believing the same around 27%. Underclass Blacks clearly wanted a hero to triumph against the "rigged and racist" American criminal justice system and found it in Orenthal James Simpson.

The prosecution made a colossal number of blunders while the defense played perfectly to their sympathies on the jury.

The final declaration of "not guilty" by the jury no longer shocks me since I've examined the trial's missteps. In fact, with all the facts before me, it's what I would have expected.

The O.J. Simpson trial jury

And Bukran Begat Steven

Behold, the Seed of Bukran!

Victory Is Mine!

While all three members of my college roommate canon (Steve "Swag" Hatch, Nate "Tote" Ross, and Sterling "Squirts" Sheffield) may have preceded me in marriage, soon I will have beaten all three in the race for posterity.

The last shall be first, and the first shall be last!

Star Trek XI: That Which Is Old Is New

Star Trek managed to live up to its hype and be an entertaining piece of summer cinematic fare! Trekkies and Sci-Fi nerds rejoice!

Its young, talented actors breathed new life into the personalities of the original Star Trek series while maintaining the cliches of these canonized characters.

Kirk was more a punching bag than a captain in this movie, however. He gets beat up badly on four separate occasions--once by Federation cadets, twice by the Romulans, and once by Spock. By the end you're expecting that chiseled jawline to look like hamburger.

My only complaint was that Star Trek's villain was lame. A Romulan industrialist driven by blind revenge to destroy the Federation through time and space? Really??? Nero, I knew Khan. You're no Khan. Villains should be characters--not merely vehicles for antagonism.

There's a fair amount of humor injected into this film. Much of it, ironically, revolves around Spock. The best one liner? McCoy to Spock: "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?"

In conclusion, with its transporter close calls, photon torpedoes a' plenty, green alien women cameos, and more exploding planets than all six Star Wars movies combined, this ox gives J.J. Abrams' Star Trek two hooves up.

Would You Like To Swing On A Star?

When I was a lad, I enjoyed the lighthearted fare on the television series Out of This World.

I recently perused its Wikipedia article.

Holy cow! Evie's dad was Burt Reynolds!

Who knew that the inhabitants of the planet Antareus were mustachioed Trans Am drivers?

Some things you just can't appreciate when you're a kid.

An Open Letter To My Son

Dear Son,

Sorry you're going to be working for the rest of your life to pay off the current government bailouts.

We didn't vote for him--we promise.

Love,

Your Parents

The BukranBlog Salutes Black History Month: A Tribute to Some of the Greatest African-Americans of All Time

Dear readers, your task is now to correctly name all 14 historical figures...who will be first?

P.S. By 'some of the greatest African-Americans of all time' I meant every black person I was aware of growing up in the all-white suburbs of Utah.

Ebony and Irony

Now, I'm no sociology grad student...but this doesn't seem like the best way to combat negative stereotypes about Muslims...

It's Official

I am my mother-in-law's favorite son-in-law.

She bestowed upon me the title while she and Mrs. Bukran were shopping the other day.

Apparently brother-in-law #1 is still trying to catch up from many initial years of not speaking to my mother-in-law even though he lived here as a newlywed.

Brother-in-law #2 had plenty to say to her when he lived here, but it was generally technobabble.

Both now live on the other end of the country.

So with my listening ear and geographic proximity, I win.

Victory!

"Bukran, You *Are* The Father" --Maury Povich

Our child's gender has been determined via modern subuterine sonar.

Baby, our home is ready and eager to receive your presence.

...When you are fully gestated.

Barack Hussein Obama, The 44th President of the United States of America

Just exactly how did the Bukran household celebrate such an historic political victory?

By turning his forehead into a memo pad and bestowing him with a mustache generally reserved for French villains/smelly kids in your elementary school yearbook.

Such doodling accurately reflects our feelings about November's electoral results.

For Once, I Agree With The Führer

You Got Another Thing Comin'

Sure enough, if all projections hold true, America will elect an opportunistic novice to the highest office in the land tomorrow.

Despite the critical situation at home and abroad we will have elected an exectuive neophyte in the name of "history" and/or vacuous "change."

But America loves to overcorrect--and Obama is as far away from W as you can get.

Here's for hoping for a "Dewey Defeats Truman" in '08.

Obama Takes Your Piece of the Pie

Forget the anecdotes and a slew of red herrings. This financial crisis was caused by the federal government playing mortgage broker. The following video systematically documents the seeds and fallout of said current economic malaise. It runs at a very fast pace, so pausing it will likely be a necessity as your read its quotes and highlighted passages. The last few minutes are spent stumping, but I urge everyone to pay attention to the data and figures presented here.

Now, to whom should blame be affixed?

On a completely different note of a humorous air, I can't get enough of Barack Obama talking about pie.

It cracks me up.

The Home Stretch

Huzzah! Someone finally asked the Obama campaign the tough questions of the moment!

The Obama campaign was so pleased it revoked all future interviews with this television station.

How is the media going to be able to accurately report truths about leftist President Obama without being bullied/blackmailed/smeared/denied by his support staff at this rate?

I think it's an ominous sign of things to come.

On another note, I think you all should read Charles Krauthammer's excellent piece articulating his vote for McCain.

My vote too will be cast based upon the matter of experience--and McCain has Obama schooled in that arena.

So here's to the Republican Ship in '08, Charles. It may be taking on water and ready to sink into the murky depths of political ignominy, but we held our bearings.

Ready to sail another day.

In Which I Attempt Voter Fraud

Not really.

I received my absentee ballot from Utah in the mail yesterday. I only wanted a Presidential Primary ballot several months ago (which I never got) before I registered to vote here in Michigan.

I'll forego the temptation to break the law and vote twice.

Although the Utah ballot does proffer the opportunity to vote for PC mogul/crazy person Superdell for Governor...

Sigh. Michigan is a swing state but we've yet to have a gubernatorial candidate sporting a 70's detective-style mustache and a platform with the adjectives "totally awesome" inserted into every sentence.

Sometimes other people have all the electoral fun.

In Which I Debate The Debates

The first two Presidential Debates I gave to Obama. He was consistently on top of his talking points and more fluid. Bear in mind that as an unabashed Republican I don't concede such things easily.

The Vice Presidential Debate I gave to Biden because of his grit and attention to detail. Many gave the debate to Palin. Expectations for her performance had been minimized by the media and the leftists. When she exceeded said low expectations, I believe the talking heads were surprised (they expected a bloodbath) and gave her the win instead of the Old Gray Mare. I thought Palin's performance was contrived, vague, and almost robotic--especially at the onset of the debate.

McCain finally came out swinging in the third debate. He hit home on Obama's true weaknesses and displayed a control and tenacity we'd been hoping for since the first debate. Obama looked terrible in the beginning--tired, worn down, and bland.

Yes, this conservative only gave one out of four debates to McCain/Palin--not a good sign.

Victory appears elusive in November as I'm convinced this election hinges more upon the vulnerability of the Republican brand than character, candidates, or issues.

There's Something About Barry...

Barack Obama has been running his campaign for President for over a year and a half now.

What exactly bothers me the most about his ascension and possible presidency?

Is it his ties to radicals/race baiters/felons? Naw.

Is it the complicity of the media in heralding his gospel? Nope.

Is it his quasi-socialist agenda that will kneecap this already ailing economy? No, although this is a close second place.

It's Barack Obama's relentless, almost insatiable, quest for power.

Whether as President of the Harvard Law Review, a well-connected Illinois State Senator, a wunderkind U.S. Senator, or Democratic Presidential Candidate, Obama has demonstrated a clear pattern of creating ties and infrastructure to ascend to the next level of power above him as soon as he gains even more power.

The person(s) always on the benefiting end of such newly-bestowed power? Barack Obama.

Yes, Barack, you heard me right. You're one selfish dude.

You've climbed the ladder so fast you never stayed put to be accountable for the people's work.

If elected, next time, We The People will force you to be.

Because you cannot gain any higher office.

Ahem

Papa Bukran will soon become a very literal title...

Gone To Heck In A Hand Ballot

Many people have asked me if I find any compelling scriptural/anecdotal/historical evidence that Barak Obama is the Antichrist.

As a learned and rational individual, the answer is quite obvious...of course I do!

He is all things to all people... He is white. He is black. He is Christian. He is Muslim. He is a radical leftist. He is a conservative Democrat. He is a man of the people. He is an elitist.

Oh, and 6+6+6=18. Barack Hussein Obama has 18 letters in his name.

Tell me, dear friends, how do you know that Barack Obama is the Antichrist?

PBS Gets Under Your Skin

Anybody else remember Slim Goodbody?

You know, the guy on PBS in the skintight bodysuit with all of the organs painted on that was constantly preaching healthy eating and exercise?

Man, that guy was creepy.

The Tried To Make Me Run For VP, I Say No, No, No

As many have noted, Sarah Palin looks an awful lot like Tina Fey.

Doesn't her hairdo piled on top remind you of a diminutive Amy Winehouse?

Celebrity lookalikes aside, I think the gamble of Sarah Palin for McCain's VP was a commendable choice. She's young, anti-establishment, pro-life, pro-family, and all around the average American mom that has never been represented on a major party ticket until now. This gamble has paid off with an electrified base that McCain himself could never dream of mustering up.

I don't think the selection of Governor Palin was a direct pander-ploy to attract disillusioned Hillary Clinton voters. The rationale of picking Palin runs much deeper.

I think the brilliance of selecting Palin is this: any criticism of Palin as "inexperienced" directly reflects as an instant satire of Barack Obama. Any arguments used by the Democrats to voice concern about the hot hockey mom turned Governor are directly applicable to the top of the Democratic ticket--and she's in the #2 "do-nothing" spot.

If voters ever were searching for a candidate who related to their day-to-day household management issues, Sarah Palin is The Mother Who Knows. Not a single pundit or ideologue can now say that the GOP cannot connect to peasant-voters and their economic woes.

While criticisms of her pregnant daughter have exposed pet media coverage at its worst (anybody remember John Edwards' affair?), I don't think 17 year-old Bristol should have a shotgun marriage with the unborn child's 18 year-old father. Let the child be brought to term and given up to adoption to parents who are fully mature and ready to provide. Now that's a commitment to the pro-life/pro-family agenda.

Joe Biden? A liberal blowhard and Washington insider of the worst kind. He was against the first Gulf War, for the second one, and opposed The Surge. Sure, he has foreign policy credentials...as being consistently wrong.

What's [Almost] In A Name?

Obama - b + s = Osama
Biden + n La = Bin Laden

Eerie, no?

The Pinnacles of Human Achievement

Behold, the greatest act ever to be captured on film.

Not to be outdone, however, by the greatest visual image ever created by the hand of man.

A [Bitter]sweet Pet?

Just what is America's latest exotic pet craze?

I recently found out on my recent trip to Florida that it's the sugar glider.

I had to look it up too.

Talk about a bad pet choice.

Sorry, Chinchillas...you've gone the way of acid washed jeans and Trapper Keepers, having been replaced by smelly and chirpy marsupials.

Who Says German Can't Be Pleasing To The Ear?

Marko first introduced me to this old comedic bit and it cracked me up.

I recently showed it to Meghan and now she's a fan.

Two Occupations I Don't Want To Hold During My Life

-Veterinarian
-Televised Golf Announcer

In Search of the Lost Album

While perusing an exhibit chronicling the trends of every generation since WWII at the Henry Ford Museum several weeks ago, my father instantly recognized the following album cover amongst a collage of baby boomer records.

"I used to have that Moody Blues album," he said.

"Really?" I said. "I've never seen it with all the old vinyl in the basement."

"Well, at one time I had it," he said.

I was pleasantly surprised by his taste and instant memory recall. Ofttimes I think my Dad was a lot more square back in the 60's and 70's than he really was.

Getting Played By The Market

I'm starting a virtual stock exchange game to try my hand at daytrading.

Anybody have any hot stock tips?

Paging Karl Marx

Obama's panacea for our economic ills?

Economic stimulus checks for the American people courtesy of Big Oil's profits.

While it's insulting and frankly scary that Obama would assault constitutionally-protected private property to pursue a populist economic agenda, the idea is representative of Obama's clear neo-Marxist pursuits of income redistribution.

Now American corporations are warning that a Democratic victory in November might mean rollbacks on labor union regulations.

While unions do not inherently quash an efficient marketplace, a new era of Big Labor courtesy of President Obama and a Democratic Congress would stymie economic growth and hurt consumers.

Don't believe me? Come here to Michigan. When labor unions overreach their good intentions, everyone loses.

I think the messianic sheen of Obama is wearing off, though.

He's now tied with McCain in the Gallup poll.

Let's hope more folks remember that these "new" ideas aren't new at all. They're 19th century ideas that were proven wrong in practice in the 20th century.

Let's learn from history and keep dead-as-a-doornail Karl and his faulty ideas in the ground, shall we?

Romney Bides His Time

I don't think Mitt Romney will be John McCain's running mate.

It's difficult for me to articulate why, as this is a feeling my political sixth sense has given me.

Although Romney is campaigning vigorously for his fellow Republican, he's not ridiculously pandering for the #2 slot.

I get the feeling he's playing it cool.

I think he knows that if he plays his hand well and waits one or two more election cycles his time will come for a serious shot at the Presidency as the Republican nominee.

I think the country will be ready then too.

Hostess And Hot Oil

Meghan and I had a deep fried Twinkie at the county fair yesterday.

Our lives are complete.

Video Didn't Kill The Radio Star

I thought Casey Kasem was dead.

He's not.

Tasteful contemporary Top 40 radio, however, is.

Obama Doesn't Say The Darndest Things

A new breed of politician, eh? Sounds like the same-old stubborn partisan pander-politics to me.

Try as you might, Katie Couric, but Obama will not say the words "surge" or "worked" in the same sentence!

Just admit that you were wrong in predicting the utter failure of the Surge before it was even implemented, Senator. Now THAT would be nice for a CHANGE.

A Vow to Rock

Piety and power metal aren't incompatible. Check out this guy.

It reminded me of an incident when an aged driver at work queried me, "the Mormon," about my listening to alternative rock. He thought it was unbecoming of a self-styled zealot.

I explained that I enjoyed almost every genre under the sun but did avoid profane music.

I could tell he still perceived me as an audio rebel within the patchwork of Mormon dogma.

I was humored.

Like Brother Metal, I've learned that intense music doesn't mean that it's necessarily obscene.

Some, like the aforementioned driver, have a impossible time separating the two.

While these individuals will forever be banging on their ceilings with their proverbial broom handles calling for a cessation of the infernal racket, let us enjoy the blessed ROCK AND ROLL that surely comes from above.

I guess it comes from drugs too.

Politiks

A cousin of mine I recently added as a friend on Facebook lists his political views as "liberal independent."

Why do I doubt he is either?

He misspelled both--"libral independant."

It made me chuckle.

Cereal Killer (An Overused Pun, Granted)

This post of Pilk's reminded me to warn you, the general public, of a new foodstuff hitting store shelves.

Fruity Cheerios.

While its color and same diminutive cheerio shape are alluring, beware.

Its flavor smacks of weak Froot Loops and its texture is akin to styrofoam.

Do not purchase this boxed cereal unless you are a breakfast masochist.

You Might Already Not Be A Winner!

I often see discarded lotto tickets around town here in legalized-gambling- slightly-makes-up-for-our-collapsed-rust-belt-economy Michigan.

I knew the odds of winning were pretty slim, but after reading this article I now know some folks likely had exactly a 0% chance of winning.

Which is essentially the probability of winning the lotto anyway.

Muppets I Have Known

My favorite obscure member of the Muppet canon?

Lew Zealand.

Move Over, Bright Copper Kettles and Warm Woolen Mittens...

My sister's baby, Emma, and my baby, Mariuxi, come together to form perhaps the empirically cutest photo ever taken.

(Photo courtesy of Dave Ryerse)

Sometimes It's Good To Lose

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't so bad that Mitt Romney failed to capture the Republican nomination for President.

Now that we know Barack Obama is the certified winner of the democratic primaries, imagine if Romney, aka "The Mormon," was going head-to-head against him in the general election right now.

Ugly.

While much of the PR the Church received during the Romney campaign was positive, old stereotypes and prejudices still reared their acidic heads.

Those were just the primary elections.

If Mitt Romney, the first Mormon ever to get a shot at the White House was campaigning against the first African-American ever to do the same, you'd see the classic "Blacks in the Priest-hood" issue get so far distorted by enemies of the church and Romney that the church would have a PR nightmare.

I think a higher power knew that would happen.

What Do You Do For Eternity?

When I was a little kid growing up and was taught the doctrines of exaltation and eternal life, I had one major question on my mind:

Just what do we do in a glorified state that lasts forever? Won't we get bored eventually?

As I got older, I figured the answer was no. My rationale was that infinite capacity for creation=infinite possibilities for activities.

In a book my mother-in-law insisted I read, Earth in the Beginning, author Eric N. Skousen made me think about this childhood quandary:

Simply put, if you are a being with an infinity of time before you, it is certainly consoling to know that you have an infinity of unorganized material to yet organize.

Eternal boredom, thus, remains an impossibility not necessarily because of our divinely-endowed capacities, but because of the infinite task at hand of organizing that which is not organized.

Indiana Jones Returns...To Face My Critique!

I saw the much-anticipated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull last night.

I had been waiting for this film for years.

While it kept the swashbuckling spirit of the previous Jones films, I did take issue with several other aspects of the film.

For one, none of the characters seemed larger-than-life. Every single one seemed to be a minor player within the framework of the movie--including Indiana Jones himself. The closest Skull came to producing an epic persona was the psychic commie femme fatale, Irina Spalko.

The new Indy flick also failed to produce any quotable dialogue. I can recite at length the other three movies--but I can't recall a single witty line from this one. It did give us one iconic scene--that of Indiana stumbling upon an artificial suburbia soon to be exposed to a nuclear weapons test and surviving by jumping into a lead-lined refrigerator. But that was done sans dialogue.

John William's score wasn't particularly memorable either. None of his new themes or orchestral arrangements stuck with me afterwards. That's also a stark contrast from the old movies.

The oldies are, as always, the goodies.

High Crimes and Miss-demeanors

You no longer have to crack open your hard copy of the Daily Universe to read about the felonious/hilarious goings-on at BYU every week.

It's here online for your enjoyment.

It's That Time Again...

Playoffs time.

Ahem.

HOW 'BOUT THEM JAZZ!

No matter where I live I will always have my NBA allegiance to my home turf heroes.

Veteran coach Sloan has proved yet again that he can form a consistently good team from a diverse talent pool.

I look forward to the great plays and victories yet to come.

Iraqi Strangewar, Or How I Stopped Worrying And Came To Love The Bombs

Five years have now passed since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

It has caused me to reflect on how I as an American citizen unwittingly entered this conflict.

* * *

When President Bush gave his "Axis of Evil" speech my freshman year of college, I told my mom, "Just watch. There's going to be a war, and I'm going to miss the whole thing."

My political sixth sense tingled from the beating of war drums. But major combat operations were still months away.

Fast forward to March 2003. Elder Stoddard walked the muddy streets of Durán, Ecuador (his second area) with his worst companion of the whole mission. We heard rumors of an ultimatum to Saddam Hussein and U.S. troop buildups in the Persian Gulf, but our missionary efforts overshadowed any further intrigue.

Then the bombs began to fall.

Being so isolated from the world-at-large and the tumult of the news media, I really didn't have any facts at hand to use to fully analyze the situation. Most of the time the only thing that ran through my mind was a catchy hip-hop number by Outkast that had come out years earlier--"Bombs Over Baghdad."

Missionary work slowed to snail's pace--the entire country was glued to their ramshackle televisions as American munitions destroyed Hussein's palaces and Iraqi military infrastructure.

As the only American guy in the room, fingers were leveled at me daily. "This is YOUR country! Why are YOU doing this?"

I had to repeatedly state that I personally had nothing to do with the bombardment of Baghdad and that the President had detailed information upon which he based his decision.

For days we faced the same situation of glassy Latin eyes gazing upon Mesopotamia on fire and brushing off any serious discussion of the restored gospel.

Soon we couldn't go to the American-style malls on p-day.

Then drunks in the street tried to grab us and slobber the phrase, "Why are American soldiers killing Iraqi children?"

Occasional spouts of ignorant anti-Americanism accompanied the rest of the tenure of my mission.

When I returned home, I discovered an insurgency ripe in stealth and lethality that hadn't been communicated to me before.

I didn't know what to think. I hadn't been living the picket-fence-read-the-paper-in-front-of-the-fireplace American lifestyle during the war. I was in a completely alien country doing an apolitical work.

I still don't know what to think about the war. I was so far removed.

Perhaps my feelings are only a magnification of the schism of thought and emotion so many Americans possess over the Iraq War.

* * *

Mein List

ALTERNATE TITLES OF MEIN KAMPF, HAD HITLER BEEN TRYING TO APPEAL TO A 21ST CENTURY AMERICAN WITH A LIMITED COMMAND OF GERMAN

Mein Volkswagen
Mein Colonel Klink
Mein Brautwurst
Mein Farfegnügen
Mein Achtung Baby
Mein Strudel
Mein Plans to Start the Second World War, Place All of Europe Under the Grip of Fascism, and Commit Mass Genocide

A Literary List

LITERARY CLASSICS, HAD SHERWIN WILLIAMS NAMED THEM

Anne of Lime Granita Gables

Hematite Beauty
The Eros Pink Badge of Courage
The Masque of the Cherries Jubilee Death
Dollop of Cream Fang
The Adventures of Grandeur Plum Finn
The Cherry Tomato Letter
The Color Potentially Purple
Where the Artful Auburn Fern Grows

Ode to Elder Marko

My younger brother Mark has just over six months completed as he serves in the Chile Antofagasta Mission. It's been a blast to receive his emails and partake of his unique brand of humor. Every week I am reminded of a tidbit or anecdote from my own mission by his experiences. In the years since I returned from my own mission, my kid brother became one of my best friends. I would like to therefore present a kaleidoscope of photos and quotes from Mark as a tribute to his hard work and always cheery temperament.

Well, vocab word for the week is pulgas, which means fleas, another vocab word is picadas, which means bites. And the final Vocab word for the week is sesenta siete, which means 67 (I counted in the shower).

A bum tried to hit me with a window washing squeegee... that was interesting. I didn´t understand the word he said before mormones though.

PS while we´re on the subject of hobos. I´ve been keeping a small notebook that I write chistozo poems in usually a couplet at a time. I wrote one called ´hobo coughin´and also one called ´peter´ because that´s what i named the hobo who lives in my front yard. Because he moves rocks from one side of his little spot on the beach to the other side all day every day (Except for when he crosses the street to sift through our garbage looking for food) And anyone who knows the scriptures knows that peter was named after greek i believe for petros or petra or petro.

And I keep a song in my heart. If there´s one thing that keeps you in good spirits. It´s hymns and other stuff. I´d be lying if I said ALL the songs I sang were hymns. But Dave told me that Queen was pretty spiritual so i guess Bohemian Rhapsody is OK. Speaking of Queen, We took a collectivo (Taxi) to a district meeting and heard 3 songs from Night at the Opera... Made my day...

There´s alot of Japanese slash chinese import fakes here. The current fad is toys from the movie cars. One of them had an ad on the hood for ´Leak Less, Adult drip pans´ as well as this wonderful Engrish phrase on it ´This is the lovely automobile word, Welcome you with our automobile general mobilization, spend the fine childhood, Good toys!´

The thought came to mind that I must be bringing in fleas from the street because they were on my legs. So, for this, I started to microwave my pants for a minute and a half before each use and I haven´t had a problem since... Brilliant!!!

The joys of teaching a comp English. Having to explain to him the different pronunciation when he tells you he needs to buy two bottles of jews.

A less active member showed me pictures of his foot he took DURING a surgery to get one of his toes cut off. He got an infection because he´s a diabetic... Pretty Wicked.

We went to a member´s house for pizza (Because I´m an American and we all love pizza) But it was creamed corn asparagus pizza!!! Qué provecho!!! I ate some slices but declined more...

I´m going to buy A bunch of Matches (They´re dirt cheap down here) and built my own little house of parliament and then take it outside on the fifth of November and light it on fire. Why? So I can say I was the Only one in Chile to Celebrate Guy Fawkes day of course.

And then they gave us a bag of Government Powdered milk and I felt like I was in 1984....

Also yesterday we were walking from our papito´s restaurant and there was a protest and I saw some disgruntled workers get blown away by a Water Tank and a bunch of Carabineros in Riot Gear and an armored Riot Bus. I started writing a poem entitled [Order and Homeland], the motto of the Carabineros. Pretty sweet if you ask me, the Tank chased them around a plaza and they were trying to disrupt traffic and whatnot.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I saw a Zombie. I´m not even Joking, it was by far the craziest thing I´ve ever seen in my life. My comp and I were walking down Vivar street in el Centro of Iquique, We turned a corner and there he was. A guy without a shirt on walking down the street very calmly with a baseball sized whole in the side of his belly. It was more than a stab wound, it was a serious hole--you could see what was inside and bleeding and everything! Calm as a [cucumber], very strange I suspect he was so drunk he couldn´t feel it, I didn´t take time to contact him though and find out....

Yesterday [my companion and I] had a civil discussion and he said I was like clint Eastwood ¨The Good Guy¨ coming in with guns a blazing and he doesn´t like that. I thought that was silly. But we´ve been able to come to agreement. That´s Ok, he has a strange obsession with Mickey Mouse...

Last night I saw a dog get run over by a BMW, I´ll spare you all from any details of what I saw, but the sound was pretty nuts. The Dogs chase everything that moves quick. Especially Telepizza. It´s a business down here that delivers pizza´s on bikes and it´s hilarious because the Dog´s can smell the pizza so there´ll be a guy on the bike and 10 dogs chasing him. pretty cool.

I don´t know if you remember Brenda from my Junior High Days, but we started teaching a woman named Brenda (Whose door I knocked because i heard Hey Joe by Jimi coming from her House and I had to knock it. And i thought of... Crazy.

¿You feeling lucky? ¿Well, Do ya?
Elder Eastwood in ¨For a fistful of [Pamphlets]¨ (Cue Ennio Marconnie theme) PS. I was bored and had an Idea for a movie, i wrote an outline for a screenplay.

The earthquake was pretty crazy though, My comp had just arrived and we dropped his suitcases off at the pension and we were walking to lunch when it happened. We heard a shaking, we looked around and then a woman on the 5th floor of her apartment building yelled ¨Terremoto!!! ¡¡Terremoto!!!¨ So we moved Hawai from all the high buildings. While we were walking it felt like Jell o but it was concrete and all the cars were wobbling back and forth. It knocked the power out for almost the rest of the day down here. So all the stores were closed and all the people in the streets. After lunch when we got back to the pension some concrete above our doorway had fallen down and we had a nice little pile of Concrete. My comp wanted to go in right away, I told him we should wait, and then 10 seconds later where we Would have been if we were unlocking the door and chunk of concrete the size of my head fell down.

We had a fun time burning a huge cockroach in our apartment with matches and bug repellent. We then named him Buzz and mounted the Charred little Critter on our Wall as a warning to All the other Cockroaches.

The quake was strong enough to break open some of the tombs and they had dead body germs going around in the air in Tocapilla so everyone had to get vaccinated against whatever disease it is that dead body germs give to you.

we just started a kid who was born with a tail (The thing where your spine forms wierd and outside of your body. He´s an awesome kid though.

Well my comp just received the Christmas card of the girl that Dear John´d him... complete with pictures of her kissing her Hubby... Ouch...

The new Mamita is a character. We had spaghetti two days ago... But instead of tomato sauce it was just ketchup... and my comp just had to add mayo too.

the first Counselor in the obispado is a Heavy Metallero. First Counselor in an Iron Maiden T-shirt---hilarious.

The Enya Came out this week, it´s not against the rules... but if I hear Orinoco flow one more time... Heads are gonna roll.

We had another woman named Esther who's 60 and ready to be baptized but she went to a baptism and Elder Cañellas almost bonked the guy's head in the font and she said, ["later on..."] That was disappointing.

This weeks story was when I was knocking a street full of really hard hearted evangelicals. We were leaving when I heard some SKA music coming from the House. Of course I had to stop and knock it. And we´ve got a promising new Investigator named Alberto. Of course he´s a happy guy. Awesome.

They call all the Emo kids (17 year old Seth Dunshee) here Pokemones. It´s pretty funny, the other day during a lesson the investigator asked me what I thought about Pokemones, it´s not just a slang term either, Everyone uses it. We even have a few pokemones who come to church in our ward.

A large woman (neighbor of the people we were teaching) walked into a house with her large child. Her large (Translation: fat) child had butter on her forehead. I didn´t ask, I only laughed...

Last Sunday we had an invasion of another ward and a member gave us a ride home in his meat truck. Without Oxygen... The last thing he told us was that there should be enough oxygen for the trip we were making. It was wierd... but I´m still alive, I smelled like pork for a day.

Miss ya, bro!

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing --Darth Vader

For those who are searching for a new mode of worship or simply a good excuse to call George Lucas deity, you have a new religious home.

And to think that I could have been married by a guy in a Boba Fett costume...